The Devil’s Bible, Part IV.

For the Devil too can quote Scripture…

– American Proverb

Part II. The Bible and the Bathroom

Some may just call it a case of metaphorical coincidence, or a dirty sense of humor, but the Bible does seem to include a few key passages that refer directly to indoor plumbing in general and to the steel (iron) flusher in particular found attached to literally all 20th Century toilets. Did the Prophets know about the modern world or were they given direct access to the most advanced systems of waste disposal available 2,000 years ago? It’s hard to say, but even Angels, and perhaps the Holy Ghost, can sympathize with mere mortals who must still obey the call of nature in a proper, civilized manner and hopefully raise all of their children to do the same. Here are the pertinent Biblical passages:

Toilet Training and Biblical Prophecy

TOILET TRAINING: A young mother gives birth to a baby boy who is destined to someday lose his diapers and become properly toilet-trained which includes the use of the steel flushing toggle.
PROPHECY: And she gave birth to a son, a male child, who is to rule all the nations with a rod of iron; and her child was caught up to God and to His throne. (Revelation 12:5)

TOILET TRAINING: She will teach him to use his left hand to wipe himself, and then flush it all down using the steel flush toggle into the sewer to be sanitized and properly disposed of
PROPHECY AND HE SHALL RULE THEM WITH A ROD OF IRON, AS THE VESSELS OF THE POTTER ARE BROKEN TO PIECES, as I also have received authority from My Father. (Revelation 2:27)

The Proverbial Rod of Iron

TOILET TRAINING: Her Son may need Encouragement to Cure his Occasional Constipation
PROPHECY: You will break them with a rod of iron; you will dash them to pieces like pottery. (Psalm 2:9)

TOILET TRAINING: Sometimes vomiting and/or diarrhea may occur when the bathroom toilet should be immediately utilized and then flushed down using the steel toilet toggle.
PROPHECY: And out of His mouth goeth a sharp sword with which He shall smite the nations, and He shall rule them with a rod of iron; and He treadeth the wine press of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. (Revelation 19:15)

The Rod of Iron

Cursed be the Devil, cursed be me.

Advertisements

The Devil’s Bible, Part III.

The Devil too can quote Scripture…

– American Proverb

The god of the sun meets the Only Son of God

THE GOSPEL OF MATTHEW
TEMPTATION I. Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil (Apollo). After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
TEMPTATION II. Then the Devil (Apollo) took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
TEMPTATION III. Again, the Devil (Apollo) took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” Then the Devil (Apollo) left him, and angels came and attended him. (Matthew 4:1-11)

INTERPRETATION OF BIBLICAL TERMINOLOGY
Jesus Christ = Rabbi Joshua ben Joseph the Messiah
The Devil = Apollo, the Greco-Roman sun god
The Holy City = Rome
Highest Point of the Temple = Gold-Plated Roof of Vatican City
Very High Mountain = Mount Olympus
All the Kingdoms of the World = The United Nations

I. The First Temptation
SEXUAL PROPOSAL: Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil (Apollo). After fasting forty days and forty nights, He was hungry. The tempter came to Him and said, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” (Matthew 4:2-3)
INTERPRETATION: Lick my balls until they loosen up, then give me fellatio. Let’s see if you can even make me orgasm and ejaculate…
CHASTE REFUSAL: Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” (Matthew 4:4)
INTERPRETATION: I’d rather starve to death than be a stupid cock-sucking faggot like you. I can already hear God’s voice warning me to kill you on sight.

II. The Second Temptation
SEXUAL PROPOSAL: Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” (Matthew 4:5-6)
INTERPRETATION: Lay down. Let me give you fellatio and see if you can even get it up. I won’t bite it off, I promise. Do you want to have anal sex with me with your big foot-long dong? I’ve got some lubricant right here.
CHASTE REFUSAL: Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” (Matthew 4:7)
INTERPRETATION: Even though you’re a wimp and a pussy who will probably end up as someone’s girl someday, I’d never touch you with a ten foot pole.

III. The Third Temptation
SEXUAL PROPOSAL: Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ‘All this I will give you,’ he said, ‘if you will bow down and worship me.’ (Matthew 4:8-9)
INTERPRETATION: Get down on your knees and let me have anal sex with you from behind, or suck my cock and then swallow my cum.
CHASTE REFUSAL: Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” Then the Devil left him, and Angels came and attended him. (Matthew 4:10-11)
INTERPRETATION: You will trust in the perpetually flaccid, heterosexual penis of the LORD God alone. For He will never rape or seduce anyone at all. Only your degenerate father Zeus/Jupiter would ever do such of thing.

Cursed be Apollo, cursed be he. Cursed be the Devil, cursed be me.

The Devil’s Bible, Part I.

Part I. Another 1,000 Years of Pearl Tossing?

THE CLAIM: Jesus Christ condemns both masturbation and prostitution using allusion and metaphor

THE GOSPEL PASSAGE: Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces. (Matthew 7:6)
THE INTERPRETATION: Do not have sex with prostitutes and ejaculate into them. Do not masturbate and ejaculate your sperm into the open air. Remain completely chaste or the demonic world will blow you away.

BASIC REASONING:
I. GOSPEL VERSE #1: Do not give what is holy to dogs = Do not have sex with prostitutes and ejaculate in their mouths and rectums.
II. GOSPEL VERSE #2: Do not throw pearls before swine = Do not masturbate and ejaculate to XXX (666) pornography. It is demonic.

I. GOSPEL VERSE #1: Do not give what is holy to dogs
EXACT WORDS: What is holy
TRANSLATION: Your male virgin (or non-virgin) manhood and/or sperm
EXACT WORDS: Dogs
TRANSLATION: Ritual Prostitute, possibly young boy

THE BIBLICAL MEANING OF DOGS
OLD TESTAMENT: Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the LORD thy God for any vow: for even both these are abomination unto the LORD thy God. (Deuteronomy 23:18)

INTERPRETATION: The hire of a whore, or the price of a dog – Many public prostitutes dedicated to their gods a part of their impure earnings; and some of these prostitutes were publicly kept in the temple of Venus Melytta, whose gains were applied to the support of her abominable worship. (Commentary on the Bible, by Adam Clarke, 1831)

II. GOSPEL QUOTE #2: Do not throw your pearls before swine
EXACT WORDS: ‘Your pearls’
TRANSLATION: Your white-colored male semen and/or sperm
EXACT WORDS: ‘before swine‘
TRANSLATION: To ejaculate staring at pornography

 

THE BIBLICAL MEANING OF SWINE
OLD TESTAMENT: This term ‘Swine’ usually was a code word for wicked, evil non-Jews. or degenerate, unbelieving Gentiles
INTERPRETATION: The actual pigs and swine who earn their fortune in the XXX (666) pornography industry, the demons who sexually prey on those masturbate.

I honestly ask my fellow American ‘Yankee Doodle’ males, are we men or monkeys? Does anyone truly think it is possible to act like monkeys and also think and advance like men forever? I sincerely doubt it, I really do. Cursed be the Devil, cursed be me.